HAWAIIAN TAN RATFACE
(Songs From The Bottom Of The Human Socioeconomic Dungheap)
Copyright c 2003 John Trubee
Music & Libretto by John Trubee
Recitatives by Jack Vees
Special Thanks To Cory Boone
For Typesetting & Hardcopies
Dedicated To The Memory
of Pam Edwards Shaw
1957-2004
ORIGIN OF THE TITLE: In early 2001 I was employed performing menial
clerical drudgery at a hedge fund in California. The company was owned
by Microsoft Corporation and was in the process of being sold.
Microsoft
promised all employees of the firm a hefty retention bonus if we
remained
employed at the company through its sale.
Daily I was screamed at by a plain-looking 27 year old shrewish
woman named Juli who had seniority over me. The last worker who
confronted Juli about her ugly behavior was summarily fired. I endured
her abuse solely to snag my retention bonus check and then get the
hell
out . Daily being screamed at by Juli and by other bitches at the firm
resembled running a gauntlet enduring the blows of vicious little
demons. 'My Hope Is A Broken Dog Fading Beneath The Tide' is a phrase
I invented to describe my unfortunate employment at the firm and my
depressed attitude about it at the time.
Juli was unattractive to me and become ever more so as she
continued
to scream at me. Her eyes were black and beady; she bore a
resemblance
to a rat. I positioned my work at my desk so that I would not have to
face
her or look at her, as we sat at adjacent desks. She sensed my
revulsion
towards her and her shriekings at me became ever more shrill.
She went on vacation to Hawaii and came back with a healthy tan.
I looked at her and thought to myself "You can go to Hawaii and get a
nice Hawaiian tan but that doesn't alter the fact that you have a
rat's face".
Shortly thereafter Microsoft sold the hedge fund, I received my
retention
bonus check, and I then promptly quit the company.
Goodbye, Hawaiian Tan Ratface.
SCENE: Here and now today and forevermore.
Contemporary 21st Century USA.
CHARACTERS:
OUR BELEAGUERED PROTAGONIST, hereafter known as OBP.
A humble Everyman whose illusions get ripped away with
each
successive trauma and conflict and who tenaciously attempts
to
maintain his sense of humor and inner happiness despite
life's
disappointments.
LITTLE MAN--bullying tyrant who unrelentingly verbally
excoriates
OBP and who narrowly escapes a raid by the vice squad at
the
whorehouse and who, accompanied by a whorehouse floozy,
flees to Europe with funds he embezzled from the bank where
he was a trustee.
MIXED GROUP MALE AND FEMALE--finger wagging platitude
utterers.
3 OFFICE BITCHES: RATFACED JULIE, SNOTHEAD KAREN,
and NAZI SONIA. They wear exposed football shoulder pads
and
blue jeans. They viciously beat OBP with large rubber
dildos and
shriek at him during THE GAUNTLET sequence.
LUCRE LUST--male character who goads, taunts, teases, and
humiliates OPM using a cash/carrot combo on a string on a
stick during THE GAUNTLET sequence.
MIXED GROUP MALE AND FEMALE--dancers and habitues of
THE GROOVY NIGHTCLUB in the CITY NIGHTS OF ARTIFICIAL
EXCITEMENT sequence.
2 MALES & 2 FEMALES--Human Punch & Judy Show characters
who smack each other with plastic bats in a tiresome,
mechanical,
and predictable vignette.
MIXED GROUP MALE & FEMALE--playing tug of war to
demonstrate the tiresomeness of collective struggles and
battles
between groups and organizations.
THE STARVING DOG--OBP undergoes a radical transformation in
a weird dream sequence and learns something in the process.
LADY WITH THE PINK PURSE--mystery woman, a vampish sexpot
in THE DESERT BEYOND TIME in MYTH OF THE STARVING DOG
sequence who feeds the snarling, vicious dogmen raw
porterhouse
steaks out of her pink purse but who, of course, disdains
the
starving dog/OBP.
3 SEVERELY BRAIN-DAMAGED DOGMEN--snarling, vicious
dogmen bite and snarl at the LADY WITH THE PINK PURSE who
willingly feeds them. The 3 dogman have distinctive
personalities:
THE CHAIN SMOKER is a chain smoker whose mouth is crammed
with a ludicrous number of unlit cigs which he attempts to
light
with a long-flamed lighter; the second dogman, THE LIAR, has
bongo drums hanging from a strap around his neck which he
alternately waters with a child's gaily decorated flower
watering
can and drums upon to garner the woman's favor and
attention;
and lastly THE DRUGGIE, who ties off with a rubber hose and
shoots up with a comically oversized hypodermic needle. He
nods off lying flat on the stage floor as the woman flops a
raw
steak onto his face.
DANCE TROUPE--2 men and 4 women dance at various times
in an area of the stage exclusively reserved for them. They
may join
the actors in selected areas of vignettes when and where
deemed
appropriate at the discretion of the director/stage manager.
INTRO:
Band performs 2 instrumental tunes:
1. The Electric Love Nudity Supreme
2. Struggling Against Bullshit & Lies (Ratface Theme)
The band performs the first two instrumental pieces accompanied
by dancers (2 men and 4 women) and groovy flashing stage lights.
Band performs background vamp accompanying first vignette:
3. The Little Man Torture Sequence
VIGNETTE # 1: THE LITTLE MAN TORTURE SEQUENCE:
NARRATOR: Our Beleaguered Protagonist awoke at dawn one morning
to find the obnoxious and hateful Little Man
screaming at
him and smashing his head against the stage floor.
OUR BELEAGUERED PROTAGONIST lies prone on stomach on stage center.
LITTLE MAN sits on OBP's back banging his head into the stage floor.
OBP is helpless to resist as HE IS ONLY 5 YEARS OLD.
Narrator holds a microphone to the mouths of the characters not unlike a
sports interviewer to capture their dialogue.
Little Man: Don't you know it takes hard work and responsibility to
get ahead in life? You can't go out and play all the
time!
You gotta roll up your shirtsleeves and sweat and
struggle
and suffer and die if you wanna make it in the world!
OBP: But I'm only 5 years old!
LM: Shuttup! No backtalk! No arguing!
1st FINGER WAGGING PLATITUDE UTTERER (bending down to
condescendingly wag his finger at OBP): Children are to be seen and not
heard.
OBP: But I'm only 5 years old!
LM: Shuttup! Get Serious! Potential is nice, promise is OK, BUT
PERFORMANCE IS EVERYTHING!! (bitterly, with bile and
a shaking head and a shaking voice) GET THE FUCKING JOB DONE!
OBP: But I'm only 5 years old!
LM: Shuttup! Your mother told me you lost one of your galoshes.
Don't you know that if you were in the Marines at boot camp
and you lost a galosh your drill sergeant would force you to
carry
the other one around in you teeth for a week!
OBP: But I'm not a Marine! I'm only 5 years old!
LM: Shuttup! No backtalk!
[PARADE OF THE FINGER WAGGING PLATITUDE UTTERERS]:
2 men and 3 women take turns striding up to OBP on the floor as LM
continues to smash his head into the stage floor. They bend down to OBP
and condescendingly wag their forefingers at him as LM holds up his head
to hear their scoldings. OBP is rolling eyes, drooling, and clearly
feeling the effects of the head-banging torture.
LITANY OF PLATITUDES UTTERED BY THE FINGER WAGGERS:
God only makes you suffer what you are able to bear.
It takes more muscles to frown that it does to smile.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
If the glass half empty or is it half full?
All evildoers will go to Hell and be punished
on the Judgement Day.
A stitch in time saves nine.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
The good guys always win.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Silence is golden.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Winning isn't the main thing; it's the ONLY thing.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
God works in mysterious ways. It was God's will that everyone
died in that catastrophic train wreck!
If you work hard enough and apply yourself you'll earn a hefty promotion.
You'll understand better when you grow up.
Smile and the whole world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.
God created us all equal.
Winning is everything.
(Each FINGER WAGGING PLATITUDE UTTERER needs to memorize
4-5 platitudes here--there's 22 total. Allow each actor to choose those
platitudes that make them the angriest: that way they'll utter them with
more
sarcastic conviction.)
NARRATOR: Shortly after this unfortunate scenario occurred the vice
squad
raided the local whorehouse. The LITTLE MAN narrowly
escaped to Europe with one of the whores and with a
suitcase full of money he embezzled from the bank
where he
held a respectable position as a trustee.
Band with vocalist performs 2 songs:
4. Lies
5. Vaulting Over Her Walls
Band performs background vamp behind 'TV Rant':
6. The Sound Of Distant Music
VIGNETTE # 2: TV RANT
A lone TV sits upon a tall, four-legged stool. It flickers typical
images
from TV: talking heads, commercials, titillation, stupidity. If cable
can
feed the images, fine. If not, a VCR with VHS tape programs the
standard
TV images. TV must be small enough to be smashed with a
sledgehammer to dramatic effect. VHS player must be inexpensive
enough to not cause its owner distress when it is destroyed along with
the TV. A sledgehammer is concealed behind one of the PA columns or
elsewhere where it is within handy reach of the ranting narrator yet
concealed from the view of the audience.
NARRATOR: TV, I KILL YOU NOW
O great destroyer of human potential
O time-wasting blatherer of the electronic vox
O sucker of time of the blood of our lives
Shuttup, you stupid box!
O vomiter of vast stupidities
O eternal sexual titillator
never yielding a gratification payoff
of our tumescent attentions
O stupid selling messages with absolutely no
relevance
to our lives
Shuttup, you stupid box!
O unintelligent screamers wallowing
in Jerry Springer's cesspool
O titty-flashing GIRLS GONE WILD
who'll never give me their numbers
O wriggling, slimy lamprey sucking the time
out of our lives
Shuttup, you stupid box!
O vacant spewer of buy this, buy that
O lying car commercials of lonesome roads
in ethereal landscapes
Rather than the constipated urban wretchedness
you shat upon my world
O scolding, hateful, partisan political
bickerers
predictably whacking each other with
chatter bludgeons
yet never creating anything of lasting
value
or transcendence
Shuttup, you stupid box!
O embarrassingly stupid comedies and
meaningless
melodramas of soap operas torturing
emotions into
Gordian knots for no discernible reason
O tiresome cops and robbers cat and mouse car
chases
neatly resolving horrendous problems within
an hour
(Just like real life!)--
Of what value are these contrived nightmares to
us?
Our time we waste entranced by your stupid
images
we create nothing useful, beautiful,
meaningful,
or valuable with our lives
So shuttup, you stupid box!
Each day we ineluctably descend keening,
careening,
Hurtling evermore rapidly towards our graves
Yet our days wasted, passively observing
as drooling mongoloid infants, your
embarrassing
bombast
O images devoid of meaning
O spewer of lies
O vomiter of vast stupidities
O Empire of unnecessary duplicates whose
purpose
of existence is to be passively entertained
by blathering idiocy;
such is the decadence of our times
Shuttup, you stupid box!
Shuttup, you stupid box!
Shuttup, you stupid box!
TV, I kill you now!
Narrator then picks up hidden sledgehammer and swings it, full
force,
at the TV screen. The TV smashes and violently topples to the
stage
floor along with the stool and VHS player. Narrator then stands
over the
smashed TV, cursing at it and spitting on it as actors and
musicians
and dancers gather in a mob around it, aping the behavior of the
narrator.
Mob then disperses. Stagehand removes mess.
VIGNETTE # 3: CITY NIGHTS OF ARTIFICIAL EXCITEMENT
NARRATOR: After Our Beleaguered Protagonist escapes the idiocies of
the finger wagging platitude utterers and the
vampiric
timesuck of the TV box, he ventures into the CITY OF
ARTIFICIAL EXCITEMENT to make money and take
advantage of all the attractive career opportunities
that can
only be found in locales of CONCENTRATED URBAN
SQUALOR. He spends his nights at a GROOVY NIGHTCLUB
where he repeatedly fails to obtain the phone
numbers of
young women who are only there to flirt, dance, get
drunk,
and then brag about it the next day at work.
At THE GROOVY NIGHTCLUB OF ARTIFICIAL EXCITEMENT
OBP encounters loud, pulsating music that changes
with
the times but is always regarded as hip, whatever it
is.
Nude Go-Go girls in thigh-high white plastic boots
undulate
on little risers by the DJ's booth. Sometimes groovy
bands
play senseless music artificially contrived by
SATANIC
SONGWRITERS to induce the club patrons to drink more
booze so the club owner can garner ever larger
profits
so he can throw ever more lavish sex orgies with
paid
NUDE ESCORTS in his hot-tub at his estate up in the
hills.
OBP dances in imaginary nightclub with dancers to next 2 tunes.
Band performs 1 tune:
7. City Nights Of Artificial Excitement (instrumental)
Band with singer performs 1 song:
8. The Dream
VIGNETTE # 4: THE GAUNTLET OF 3 BITCHES
NARRATOR: OUR BELEAGUERED PROTAGONIST eventually finds
gainful employment filing paperwork at a hedge fund.
Three
unpleasant, ill-tempered women hector and berate OPB
at the
firm. The women wear pants, of course, and football
shoulder
pads OVER their shirts.
In the course of daily work at the firm OBP runs an
imaginary
gauntlet in which he crawls on the stage floor while
the 3
bitches beat him with large flesh-colored latex
dildos which
are designed to closely resemble male sex organs. The
bitches loudly berate and excoriate OBP while he
crawls
back and forth under the gauntlet.
The Narrator OR one of the male characters who
represents
LUCRE LUST holds a short stick or pole from which a
large
carrot dangles on a stick. Tied to the string near
the carrot
is a wad of green paper currency. The symbolism of
this
prop is obvious. Narrator OR LUCRE LUST dangles the
cash/carrot combo in front of OPM throughout THE
GAUNTLET
sequence, goading, teasing, and humiliating him.
Band with singer performs 1 song during THE GAUNTLET sequence:
9. 3 Bitches
Band with singer performs 1 song immediately after THE GAUNTLET
sequence:
10. Hag Marcella
DESERT HERMITAGE
NARRATOR: OUR BELEAGUERED PROTAGONIST flees the 3 bitches
and the rotten job at the hedge fund and escapes to
the
desert. He has reached his threshold of abuse by
other
people and now fully appreciates Jean-Paul Sartre's
quote:
"Hell is other people."
He wanders solo into the vast desert plains, far away
from
any other human being, falls asleep under the desert
stars,
and dreams deeply...
(OBP wanders slowly across stage as if on long walk, slowly
grows tired, and falls asleep in fetal position in stage center.
He remains there throughout the next 4 tunes.)
Guitarist performs solo piece:
11. Deserts Of Eternity
Band with singer performs 3 songs:
12. Christina's Lullaby
13. Song Of The Tiger
14. Dark Is The Night
Band and/or Jack Vees perform background vamp:
15. Social Revelations
VIGNETTE # 5: SOCIAL REVELATIONS
NARRATOR: From his prolonged desert hermitage OUR BELEAGUERED
PROTAGONIST again descends into the world of puny
men
to earn wages to prevent his utter starvation. His
perceptions
and evaluations of human social interactions have
been
profoundly transformed as a result of his time in
the desert.
He observes 2 people, 2 men, talking. In his
previous life he
would have observed just that: 2 people talking.
With the
filters on his brain opened wider he perceives 2 men
as
demented puppets whapping each other with the
bludgeons
of their talk, each attempting to dominate the other
in some
twisted Punch & Judy show.
(2 actors stiffly take turns babbling scolding gibberish to the other,
then mildly whacking the other on the shoulder with an exclamatory grunt.
This
sequence continues on for a few minutes as the point of its tiresomeness
is made.)
NARRATOR: OBP perceives groups and collectives and organizations
battling each other in an eternal tug of war which,
despite all
the yelling and screaming and triumphant crowing by
these
various belligerent teams about their great progress
in
achieving their ends, no net gains are ever made by
either
side. The middle of the tug of war rope always
remains
firmly in the middle after each boisterous campaign.
(6 actors enact a game of tug of rope with a large rope. It is noted that
the
center of the rope has not changed position at the end of the game.)
OBP watches one man lecturing another man about the
"rules of
society" and perceives the imaginary concept "society"
as a
large black bludgeon with which the one man dominates
the
other.
(2 actors enact this argument with the dominating one using a large black
bludgeon with the word SOCIETY painted on it to repeatedly whap the other
man about the head and shoulders as he lectures to him about following
"The Rules Of Society".)
Band with singer performs 1 song:
16. Triumph Of The Damned (instrumental)
Band performs background vamp for Myth of The Starving Dog:
17. Myth of The Starving Dog
VIGNETTE # 6: MYTH OF THE STARVING DOG
NARRATOR: OUR BELEAGUERED PROTAGONIST dreams this
awful nightmare one unpleasant night. He dreams he is
walking in a desert and he sees, off in the
heat-shimmering
distance, barely discernible figures moving about. As
he
approaches the figures he notices one figure is a
woman
with an object in her hands surrounded by strange
creatures
in submissive yet aggressively begging positions at
her feet.
OBP at this point senses a strange hunger and
discovers he's
stumbling over his 2 feet, so he begin walking on
all 4 limbs as does a dog. As he draws nearer to
these
figures in the desert he beholds a grotesque
spectacle...
OBP crawls up to a scene of a vampish sexpot woman in thigh-high
pink plastic boots, fishnet stockings, a micro skirt, some revealing
upper
garment, and a black choke collar. The woman holds a pink purse whose
opening is lined with black fuzz and whose front and back faces feature
novelty store tits and ass, respectively, affixed to them. 3 dogmen
cavort
at the woman's feet--snarling, biting, attacking, and simply behaving
rudely towards the woman who impassively flings large, raw porterhouse
steaks to them and on them.
The woman, LADY WITH THE PINK PURSE/SEXPOT VAMP, manifests
the demeanor of a zombie. Her actions are those of an entranced
automaton; a startling lack of awareness and an instinctive, dreamlike
quality characterizes her movements. Her body movements are
somnambulantly mechanical while feeding the dogmen.
She never directly looks at OPB or acknowledges him other than by
brusquely pushing away his heart box when it comes too close to her.
OBP/dogman seeks to get hunk of meat from the woman and waits
patiently and obediently in a begging posture by her. She ignores him.
OBP/dogman retrieves a large heart-shaped Valentine's type
box concealed offstage or behind PA column. The other dogmen continue
snarling at and biting the vamp women who impassively continues
flinging
them raw meat out of her grotesque pink purse.
The 3 dogmen exhibit distinctive personalities:
THE CHAIN SMOKER is a chain smoker whose mouth is crammed with
a ludicrous number of unlit cigs which he attempts to light with a
long-flamed lighter.
THE LIAR has bongo drums hanging from a strap around his neck
which he alternately waters with a child's gaily decorated flower
watering can and drums upon to garner the woman's favor and attention.
THE DRUGGIE ties off with a rubber hose and shoots up with a comically
oversized hypodermic needle. He nods off lying flat on the stage floor
as
the woman flops a raw steak onto his face.
At one point THE LIAR thrusts his phone number on a scrap of notebook
paper into the woman's face. She impassively stuffs the paper into her
bra and flings him some meat. His face is animated and he is the dogman
equivalent of a social butterfly, blabbering blandishments and vacuous
chatter between the snarls and aggressive, doglike gestures.
OBP/dogman proffers the Valentine's heart box to the vamp. She firmly
pushes it away in annoyance. OPM several times repeats offer,
vamp woman repeatedly pushes it way with increasing irritation.
Finally vamp woman rudely smacks/punches the heart box out of
OPM/dogman's hand and it sails across the stage. OBP/dogman crawls
across stage to the box, looks at it, dolefully looks back at the woman
who continues to ignore him, stops crawling on all fours, regains his
legs, and walks away without looking back at the grotesque scenario
of the vamp woman feeding the vicious dogmen.
NARRATOR loudly stops BG music of band as near silence envelopes
the stage. The Dogman continue to snarl at and paw the SEXPOT VAMP.
NARRATOR with a microphone amidst the silence interviews VAMP.
NARRATOR: Wait a minute, wait a minute, what exactly is going on
here?
VAMP (with somnambulant Forrest Gump accent):
Ah don't know. Ah'm jest an insensate zombie.
Ah don't know what the hell ah'm doin'.
NARRATOR: But OUR BELEAGUERED PROTAGONIST here is starving
to death, he hasn't been fed in ages, and is
offering you
something of substantial value--yet you blindly
feed only
the most severely brain-damaged, inferior,
subhuman
DOGMEN with obvious character defects and
addictions
galore who only lie to you, bite you, snarl at
you,
disrespect you, and who give you nothing of
lasting value.
Why? WHY are you doing this?
VAMP: Why, I don't know. It's jest chemistry ah s'pose!
NARRATOR (barely containing his anger, becoming nauseous):
Chemistry? CHEMISTRY?! Yeah, it's chemistry, all right!
It's a GODDAMN TOXIC WASTE DUMP!!!"
NARRATOR crumples to the stage blasting obnoxious retching
and snorting sounds closely into the microphone as the band begins
to squeal and create a din of chaotic noise behind him. After a minute
or so of this madness the band continues its earlier MYTH OF THE
STARVING DOG background vamp.
One dancer/actor/musician walks to heart box on stage and balances
it upright on its tip as would a football player setting up a football
for a goal kick. NARRATOR takes a few swift running strides to the
heart box as would an NFL quarterback and kicks it out of view behind
a PA column or backstage.
Band with singer performs 1 song:
18. World Of Misery
WORLD AGONY PROCESSIONAL VIDEO SCREENING
NARRATOR: As an inevitable result of recurring personal frustrations
and disappointments OUR BELEAGUERED PROTAGONIST
could not help but perceive all the darkness he felt
in his
soul as projections out upon an unkind and
antagonistic
universe...
Screen descends, WORLD AGONY PROCESSIONAL video short
is projected on screen while band performs 1 tune:
19. World Agony Processional
NARRATOR: Our Beleaguered Protagonist ultimately realizes that despite
the world's many miseries he must will himself to
happiness
if he is to remain alive. He starts to ignore the
many stupidities
that make him sad and pays attention to the things he
loves--
such as listening to beautiful music...
Band performs 1 tune:
20. Round & Round
Actors & dancers dance and mug and cavort to jazz waltz in uptempo 6/8
meter.
Band performs opening instrumental theme music:
21. The Electric Love Nudity Supreme
22. Struggling Against Bullshit & Lies (Ratface Theme)
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